So, if you haven’t figured it out, the only constant with me is change.
I’ve had a rough year. I fractured my foot in February, which slowed me down. Between a fracture, hip bursitis and plantar faciitis, I’m a bit of a wobbly mess.
We had events and trips and life in general got in the way. I put on about 15 lbs. which means I’ve only (only?) lost 40 lbs. I was down 55 lbs. In the scheme of things, that isn’t so bad but it’s still discouraging.
I also deal with depression pretty regularly and not exercising contributes to that. Then I’d have a few extra snacks or wine and and feel bad and my depression would get worse and I wouldn’t exercise as much and well, … here we are.
On the positive, I never just “let go”. I didn’t quit trying to do some sort of regular workout and I never went back to regular snacking and fast food. I was continuing to fight and trying not to get discouraged as my weight climbed back up.
The climb up in weight was discouraging but it was slow. I never quit making menus, grocery lists and tracking my food. Even in the worst parts of the depression, I held it “fairly” together. I’ve done full on “fuck it” mode before and that is a quick weight gain. I’ve only gained 15 lbs over almost a full 8 months, so this was not a real “fuck it” depression.
I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself but even that is hard. You get depressed, you screw up, you berate yourself, and then you screw up more because you beat yourself up into a deeper depression. It’s a vicious cycle.
The summer heat isn’t helping. I have SADD but it affects me in the summer instead of the winter. I keep my house closed, super cold and shuttered. I only go out if I have to work and try to exercise as much as possible. Fortunately, I have a 24 Hour gym membership and can get the exercise I need inside, even if it’s 101 degrees outside.
I have an event coming up that I have to wear a dress for and the dress is too tight. I can’t get a bigger version of it and I HATE my back and bra fat rolls. So, this has spurred me into getting my shit together.
Me trying to get into that dress:
I am currently in a diet reset. I cleaned out my kitchen. The good news is, the clean out wasn’t too bad. My habits hadn’t back slid too badly. Wine was the most offending culprit.
I was drinking a little everyday and I really can’t do anything everyday except exercise. If there is one thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m addicted. To everything. Everything has a potential to be a problem.
I can just as easily be addicted to exercise (which is why it depressed me so bad when I hurt my foot – I was addicted to exercise again and was loathe to let that go) as well as bad things, so I have to be ever vigilant and monitor everything I do/consume.
I have given up wine, chocolate, cigarettes, etc. I don’t have issues giving up wine but I like to take tolerance breaks to prove I can do it. (There are lots of alcoholics in my family…so I’m predisposed to it). However, it seems my real problem lies in chocolate (food in general, really), though.
Honestly, some days, it’s exhausting just trying to manage all my quirkiness. I’m sure there is an OCD diagnosis in there somewhere. And believe me, if I’m a little too much for you some days, it’s 1000 times worse for me to live with me MOST days. (Seriously, Damon deserves sainthood – you listening, Pope?)
After my injury, I realized the fitness program may not be the way for me to go.
So, what you doing now, April?
I don’t freaking know. Stay tuned. I mean, I’m ONLY 45, I have plenty of time to decide what to do with my life. *hard eye roll* 🙄🙄
I’ve gotten into comedy and though I love it, I’m having doubts about getting on stage anymore. Those are some demons we can discuss in a later blog post. However, I’ve recently found an improv class I’m interested in and I’m thinking of taking it. I’m also working on a new podcast, so stay tuned.
Who knows? By this time next year, I’ll probably be deep into and obsessing about growing rare Nigerian orange trees or something. 🙄. I’m a nightmare.
But, I Sally forth. I’m healthy and doing “mostly” healthy things. I’ve got my depression pinned right now. It’s wiggling to get back out but it’s almost calm again….for a while.