Choosing to go no contact with my family was a choice that I did not make lightly.

I was about 4 years into therapy when I made the choice that life was too hectic to handle anymore. (2019-ish)

I wasn’t suicidal, but rather, I was just absolutely burned out. My temper was short and my anger was dangerous to everyone in the house. I could make excuses about it but it all boiled down to ignoring my own needs and wants for FAR too long. Unfortunately, my anger boils over and burns people it shouldn’t and I couldn’t accept that happening anymore.

I could point to any given number of incidents in the past with any given number of people but I can’t put everything into one post. This would become a book.

Some of the things were petty. I was wrapped up in being irritated with people for existing on top of whatever issue we may have had with each other.

Some things were more serious. Those things will come out in time, but suffice it to say, I needed quiet and a reset. I believe, back in the day, this was what was referred to as a ‘nervous breakdown’.

So, I looked at everything and started to ask myself some critical questions.

1. Are the people I am about to cut off, whom I’m THAT angry with, deserve another/more chances and explanations?
2. Have you asked for them to respect your boundaries?
3. Have you tried to see things from their perspective?
4. Is their needs/wants encroaching on your emotional needs/wants? – etc., so forth and such, ad nauseum

It was all more work.

It was about this time that I had already broken off several friendships, stopped talking to one relative, and was currently fighting with another relative when I came across the idea of ‘going no contact’. I went to my therapist and spent several weeks talking to her about it. Eventually, what it all boiled down to was her asking me what was stopping me from just going no contact with the particular people I had issue with? Why go no contact with everyone in my family?

I replied that I just didn’t want to have to explain my assault to everyone. It was going to be required by every family member for me to explain myself. I was already aware that some thought I was being a shit stirrer for bringing up things from the past that I was dealing with. It was going to be individual convos with family members about other family members and I wasn’t sure I had the energy for that. It felt like I was asking each family member to take a side. I already knew this was going to go badly for me because I had just recently learned that asking a family member to take sides, even if you think your side is the right side, is a mistake.

I finally decided to go full No Contact with everyone and take a break. A true break. A break where I am the only person I am responsible for for a while. I sent out a note to everyone letting them know that there was a child molestor among them, keep their kids away from him and I said, “peace out”. That was at the end of 2019. I had responsibilities for shows and festivals I wanted to complete, and I did complete them at the beginning of March 2020. Covid 19 hit, the shutdown happened, and I did this for about 6 months …

I spent a lot of time up to that point thinking about the ramifications of going No Contact. I have a lot of siblings and niblings and great niblings. Honestly, I think great great niblings, now.

I already lived across the country from everyone. I rarely saw them anyway. Would the totality of being alone into my old age weigh on me, break me, make me want to crawl back and beg everyone to forgive me for walking away? In the moment, I thought sure, that’s possible and boy, did the doubts creep in. Will it hit me harder in the future? Yeah. I’m sure it will but I’ve made it through some very lonely moments and came out o.k., if not better.

Interestingly, I expected it to be hard being alone in the bad times but what I didn’t expect was for it to be hard being alone when I have a good thing happen and my first thought is “I should text my family member…oh wait, you made choices.”

I have Damon, and thank the netherworlds for him, but I gave up sibling/family connections that just can’t be fulfilled by anyone else.

Side note: Several years earlier, I had actually helped a nibling patch up things with their sibling and here I am blocking everyone on social media, changing my phone number, and moved twice just to be real hard to get a hold of.

When I got my ADHD and CPTSD diagnosis’ in 2021 and began looking into the symptoms, I found out that I in fact did NOT have a personality at all. It turns out that I wasn’t “quirky” but was in fact mentally ill, in need of medication to make dopamine, and all my quirky habits and reactions to things was in fact me going into fight or flight mode all the time.

Most likely, I was having ADHD burnout from it going untreated so long. I was 48 when I began treating it. ADHD is historically under diagnosed in girls and women. Scientists did not conduct any ADHD studies on girls or women for decades. Also, don’t forget that every woman is labeled as attention and drug seeking everytime they go into the doctor’s office.

I’ve been taking Ritalin for about 2 years now. I’ve had a lot of success with getting my executive functions handled. I won’t say fixed because anxiety, depression, CPTSD and ADHD cannot be fixed. They can be controlled with medications and accomodations. There will still be bad days but I’ve got better coping tools, supportive friends, and a husband tuned in to help me manage it all.

I’ve decided, in the long run, to stay No Contact. The past few years have been calm. There’s no drama. There’s no worry or anxiety. I’ve quit dieting. I’m getting BIG and I don’t care.

I’ve finally accepted the fact that even my weird issues and quirks with food is ADHD related and I need to eat to be happy. It gives me dopamine and I chase it with no regrets now. I’ve deprived myself of so much in the past to fit other people’s ideals. I’ve regretted so many things in the past and I honestly refuse to be shamed or regret anything anymore.

I’m taking classes for fun. I sleep 10-12 hours a day. I do art. I do comedy. I’m selfish as a mother fucker. I’m happy.